I’m floored by the response to my last post. There has been a lot of discussion in the comments, and several people have contacted me directly instead of commenting.
Honestly, I expected comments along the lines of Congratulations, or It’s about time. What did I get instead?
Multiple immediate threats of physical violence against my person, and unanimous condemnation of my decision.
First of all, I would like to thank everyone for weighing in, and offering advice. I do appreciate it, even though it was extremely painful to hear.
The only real risk that I saw was if/when she learned that I carry at work, and the possibility that she would let that slip to the wrong person. Even so, I saw the risk as minimal. Hell, I’ve carried daily (with a few exceptions) for well over a year, and although some may suspect, I don’t believe that anyone seriously thinks that I do.
Even when joking about the subject, I’ve had people look me up and down, and declare that I absolutely wasn’t carrying it that day. Although I most certainly was. Even the occasional hug has never been a problem. I just hug in a way that keeps the other person’s hands and arms elsewhere. In a more intimate situation, that would be more difficult, but I honestly believe that I could pull it off for quite some time.
The rest of the “reasons not to” were true, but were, in my mind, filler to make the post more interesting, and not serious concerns. Y’all disagreed. Vehemently.
I’ve bitched about women on the dating sites, and how they are picky and rude. In general, you’ve been very supportive of my opinion. However, when I ask someone out who seems to be a decent but not perfect, either as a person, or as a match for me, all hell rains down on me. Since it was unanimous, I assume that it was deserved. I’m just trying to understand it.
Every intimate relationship that I’ve ever been in has failed miserably and painfully, so obviously my judgment is shit. I’m just trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, so I can fix it. Common themes are patience and hard work. I freely admit that I’m light on patience, and a little on the lazy side when it comes to some things. But when I can’t get even one coffee date out of nearly fifty tries, I can’t help but think that I bring too much baggage to the table.
I can’t change the past, and I won’t lie about it. I’ve tried to learn from it, and I thought I had. Based on your recent feedback, I haven’t.
How can I demand perfection from a lady, when I don’t have the same to offer in return?
How can I know what things are just normal differences between human beings that are not threatening to a potential relationship, and what should have me running for the nearest exit?
In life, I observe and avoid if I am the least bit uneasy. Every woman on the planet makes me uneasy, so that approach obviously won’t work. I try to engage a filter, but according to my friends, family, and kind commenters, my filter seems to be broken. Things that shouldn’t be issues are, yet I’m blind to what everyone else sees as major warning signs. How can I fix this, or am I beyond help?
Grumpy 
“Every woman on the planet makes me uneasy”
That right there is your problem. The next question is, in what way are you uneasy?
It varies. Probably the most common reason is because I am attracted to them, but too chickenshit to act on it because I don’t know what to say or how to act without making an ass of myself.
I know, I need to man up and get over it. Face my fear. Step outside my comfort zone and just do it. Easy to say, not so easy to do.
Let’s go from that comment on being uneasy. Could that be because you are becoming aware of your proclivity to fantasize/romantisize every encounter – which you have previously admitted to? Maybe what you need at this point is not a date but a sister/friend who can help you improve the rough places in your life and personality without the pressure of a relationship. And as for the offers to commit physical mayhem on your person – I offered to do it for free if you wanted me to, instead of charging my usual fee. Did you miss that being a sign of friendship and concern rather than a sociopathic threat?
I’m still working on your email in response to my email. Based on the fact that you have not posted either, I’m presuming that still is private conversation.
stay safe.
I freely admit having issues when it comes to women, and how I view them even in casual day-to-day encounters. They make me nervous. If I knew why, maybe I’d handle interactions with the opposite sex better/smarter.
Feel free to refer to anything in the e-mail here. I was waiting for your reply before posting any of it here, not out of privacy concerns. Thank you for the consideration, though.
Your previous response to me indicated a *significant* risk. Yet, you see the risk as *minimal* now? You’ve vacillated from dangerous to safe.
You are rationalizing. To break your cycle of bad relationships, you need to respond to her as she is not as you hope her to be. Now do you understand why we reacted the way we did? Pray tell, how did you come to the conclusion that she was decent?
How do you fix it? Start with something easy. Coffee, restaurant, and/or volunteering. Any female baristas, volunteers, or waitresses? I know it goes against your introverted grain, but start interacting and talking.
I’m sure you’ve notice being nervous interferes with thin-slicing. So consider putting dating on hold until you are comfortable with woman. Then you’ll discover your own intuition not only works for threats on the streets, but for choosing a suitable mate as well.
I saw the potential risk as significant, but felt that I could manage it well enough to keep it minimal. That probably makes no sense, but I don’t know how else to say it.
She’s far from a classy lady, but I’m not exactly high society either. At least there are some things that are embarrassing enough that I won’t share them with the world.
I’ll try to figure out a way to get out more. With my work schedule and introvert nature, it will be extremely challenging.
I had hoped that match.com would help in that department. I didn’t expect every lady to agree to meet me, even for coffee, but I figured I could get one casual meeting per week. I never expected the first one that said yes to coffee to be “the one”, but I also never imagined that the female population would require so many qualifications just to share a hot beverage with me.
Hell, there are few people that I wouldn’t agree to coffee with, even if I was pretty sure they weren’t a good match. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, because I’ve been wrong before, and if nothing else, the repeated exposure to members of the opposite sex should make future encounters less stress-inducing.
The biggest problem I see with meeting people in person that I know nothing about is that I am a terrible judge of age. I’ll be hitting on children half my age, and be labeled as a dirty old man without ever realizing it. Or I’ll miss seeing the wedding ring, and embarrass myself that way.
Again, thank you for your advice. I’ll try.
Some of the things that stood out in the last post as red flags to me.
– the incessant babbling even when alone indicates an emotional or mental instability. unstable addicts tend to not stay sober, even if it takes a couple of years for them to fall off the wagon.
-her willingness to discuss such things as her bladder control and menstrual accidents indicates a lack of social propriety and a lack of class. That she freely shares incidents that most women would see as incredibly embarrassing and something NOT to be talked about again indicates a potential instability to me
– her children are making shitty life decisions, and when she wants to help them (or needs help herself because they screwed her) whose resources do you think she will ask to use? Or whose resources will they/their lowlife friends target?
– She didn’t seem enthusiastic when you asked her out. Don’t expect cartwheels and fist pumps, but you deserve a “Yes, I’d like that.” when you ask someone out.
– if you upset her, she could get you screwed six ways to Sunday at your work, and I’ve heard that the big box store has a big old barbed hard-on waiting for employees who break the rules.
That said, I don’t think being friends with her is a horrible idea. You can knock the rust off your social skills without her finding out things she shouldn’t know, and just because you have the occasional meal or activity outside of work in her company doesn’t mean that you’re dating.
I occasionally talk to myself, then again, I know I have issues.
And I’m an addict, or so I’ve been told. Not to drugs – I’ve never done anything besides a little alcohol, and I never made that a habit. I do, however, love to eat. I’ll pick up something, and won’t put it down until I hit bottom or my stomach starts to hurt.
I’m not all that cultured, but I think it would embarrass me if she and I were together and she shared some of the embarrassing stories with others that she has shared with me in the past. I don’t think it would be a deal-breaker, but it wouldn’t be comfortable, either.
I admit, I would have liked a little more enthusiasm, but with my inability to convince the match.com ladies to even reply, much less agree to a single meeting, I guess the old “beggars can’t be choosers” saying applied.
Thanks for breaking it down for me. Your reply clicked for me better than any of the others.
Thank you so much for taking the time to offer advice to some “random stranger on the internet”.
Do you have a single sister? 😀
I do have a sister but she hated NC, she lived in Cary for 5 years and just transferred back to the midwest where the water from the tap gets cold and the New Yorkers haven’t invaded. Yet.
One thing you have to consider, if you were “with” her, she’d be sharing embarrassing stories about you too. Do you really want her telling people that you don’t know well intimate things about you? There’s also a difference between muttering to yourself about stuff and having an actual one sided conversation out loud on a regular basis, which is what it sounds like you were describing.
Food addictions have vastly different effects on a persons life and the lives of those around them than substance addictions and abuse do. There aren’t too many people who knock over a subway because they’re jonesing for a Meatball with asiago cheese, and I’m pretty sure not too many people have had “just one big mac because I had a really shitty day and I NEED it just this once” only to wake up in the drunk tank, awaiting arraignment but unable to remember why or what happened. I’ve never had to spend my day off driving my best friend 70 miles to pick up his car because his ex wife’s son “borrowed” it and went on a four day chili binge.
That said, if they ever start regulating caffeine I just might be in trouble…
And you’re welcome. Giving advice to people I’ve met online is easy, it’s looking them in the eye and saying you’re fucking up that’s difficult.
You see, Cary was the problem, not NC in general. Around here, Cary is actually an acronym – Containment Area for Retired Yankees. It may have started as a joke, but it’s 100% true. They have the most liberal ideas, policies and attitudes of anywhere in the state.
As for her telling embarrassing stories, I could live with the embarrassment as long as the stories weren’t told for the purpose of hurting me. I poke fun at everybody that I like, and that includes sharing embarrassing things that they did in my presence. Most of those things are not intimate in nature, though. Continuing the hypothetical, if she’s truly happy being intimate with me, I honestly wouldn’t give a shit who she tells about the size of my member or lack of staying power, or any other embarrassing information.
Again, thank you. I know what you’re saying about online being easy, and face-to-face difficult.