Stepping out of the shower, toweling off, and then standing over the furnace vent, letting the warm air blow over and around your balls.

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Position Available

Housekeeper/Cook (live in)

Room and board provided in exchange for housekeeping services, meal planning and preparation, grocery shopping, and other general domestic duties. Must be female, age 35-55, skilled in the aforementioned tasks, and fluent in at least one of the following languages: English, Spanish, or Russian.

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House Update

At 2115 on Thursday night, well beyond the promised 1600-2000 window, they finally showed up with my stove. Yesterday, I unboxed it, attached the cord, and shoved it in the hole. It works just fine, but is filthy from warehouse dust. That finishes up the bulk of the kitchen and laundry room area. Everything, including the cabinets, needs a thorough cleaning, of course. I need to buy and hang blinds on the window over the sink, and the kitchen island needs some cosmetic work, but mostly, it’s done.

The blackout curtains are up in my bedroom, but I’m still sleeping on a cheap full size mattress placed securely on the floor. If it’d ever stop raining, and I could get a day off, I’d move my bed and the rest of the essential stuff from the old house. 

The desk sits partially assembled in my office. The living room is full of empty shipping boxes. The gun safe is in the middle of the dining room floor, waiting for me to finish the desk and shove it back there. Boxes are stacked everywhere.

Outside, it’s a swamp. It won’t stop precipitating, and the land won’t drain for shit. I’ll be adding to this problem later today when I hose the mold off the siding in an effort to keep my homeowners insurance.

I’ve priced gravel for the driveway and parking area, but it’s so soft right now, a loaded dump truck would sink to the axles.

I really need the brush cutter that those assholes stole from my building last year. And the pole saw. There’s so much that needs to be done. All while earning a paycheck, and dealing with the everyday stuff. It’d be really nice to have some help.

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I Found It!

I found the Give A Shit switch in my head for B today. It was supposed to be a toggle switch, but some fucking dumbass installed a potentiometer (wired as a variable resistor) instead.

After finally locating it, I was able to get it cranked way down. It’s stuck, so there’s still a little bit of current leakage, but not much.

As a result, my life is much improved.

UPDATE: Operational check successful. I went to their pages on the book of faces. They are on their honeymoon at a beach somewhere. There is a picture of B unpacking. The duffel bag is one that I gave her. The vast majority of my reaction is positive.

Go ahead. Blow all that EIC money, bitch. When it’s gone, you’ll regret what you walked away from. And I’m going to laugh my fucking ass off when I hear about your troubles.

There was only a momentary twinge of pain and loss. I really need to either unstick that resistor or replace it with a switch. But for now, I can live with it.

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I’m a little overwhelmed at the moment. When I got home today, Dude was at the house to replace the washing machine supply valves. He finished quickly enough, and I got about three hours of sleep. Until pressure washing dude called and woke me up. Just to tell me that he won’t be operational for several more weeks due to the weather and therefore couldn’t help me.

By this time, it was almost at the beginning of the delivery window for the range. I tried to sleep more, but my body refused to let me. So, I bounced around the interwebz for a while. It’s now approximately thirty minutes prior to the end of the delivery window, and I haven’t seen or heard anything from them.

But I did see something else interesting. Shocking, actually. And a little bit painful.

If the book of faces can be believed, B married her babydaddy today. She changed her name, and he updated his relationship status to “married to B”.

I truly didn’t want her back, but I’m shocked and hurt that I failed so miserably.  Not only did she run straight back into his arms, but she married the sonofabitch. Something she wouldn’t do before I came along, despite being with him for eight years. After being with me for just under six months, she did it. Nineteen days after breaking up with me.

Damn! Just damn!

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Enough, Already!

Yesterday evening, while I was tossing and turning, trying to sleep, I missed a call. My last appliance, the range, will be delivered this evening between 1600 and 2000. So, another sleepless day awaits me today.

They picked up the stove approximately 550 miles from my doorstep six days ago, but didn’t know until less than twenty-four hours in advance when they would be delivering it? I can understand not knowing the time window until the day before, but not knowing the day at least two days beforehand?

Nope, sorry, not buying it. And the call came in after hours, so there was no way to call back and reschedule before the truck would already be on the way. And of course I’m working all weekend, so no hope for a day off to catch up on sleep. Fuck me!

Whatever. This, the pressure washing, and the washing machine water supply valve replacement should be the last of having to deal with other people needing to get inside my house for a while. Except for the maid and the hookers, but they come when I want them to.

In other news, I learned yesterday that B’s babydaddy posted something on the book of faces about being worried about his upcoming back surgery. During which I hope he dies a spectacularly horrible and painful death, but in a manner that leaves the medical staff and facility completely blameless so B doesn’t see a dime from the glorious event.

Part of B’s reassuring response to said post was a verbatim repetition of something she said to me not long ago: I love you to the moon and back, Babe. (Oh, and she’s blocked me again.) The fucking bitch deserves every bit of pain and heartache that living with him brings. Plus some.

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Joys Of Home Ownership

It’s been one of those days.

Last night FaucetCompany canceled all third shift operations due to some expected winter weather.  The storm ended up shifting to the north and left us with nothing but cold rain, but I had the night off nevertheless.

I took advantage of this opportunity to do some of the basic stuff around the house. But first, I had to go to BigBoxRetailer to pick up some groceries.  There was absolutely nothing to eat in the house, and, well, my fat ass needs food regularly.

After I got back and got the food put away, I started the night by un-boxing the washing machine and putting it in place.  The valves dribbled a bit when I opened them, but I figured it was from disuse, and they’d be fine.  Fast forward to the end of the night.  They’re still dribbling.  I’ve opened and closed them several times, but no change.  Estimate: $280 plus parts. I can’t do it myself because it’s PEX and I don’t have the necessary tools.

After the washer, I put the dryer in place. That seemed to go smoothly, even considering that the vent is cheap ass flex duct.  I wanted to replace it during the renovation part of the process, but I ran $1000+ over my allowed budget on that already, so a new vent line is going to have to wait. Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that bill either.  It seems that the ten percent contingency fund didn’t cover everything extra that had to be done.

Anyway, I ran a load of clothes through the dryer, but there was no heat. Fuck!  Troubleshooting determined that one leg of the circuit wasn’t making connection. Bad electrical box.  It sucked, but was well within my ability to handle.  A trip to the local home improvement store, twelve dollars, and a frustrating thirty minutes later, and it was done.  Well, I have to get some heavy duty drywall anchors to hold it to the wall, since the screw holes in the new one are in a different place than the old one, but it is fully functional now.

Then, I moved on to the dishwasher.  Dear Whirlpool: Thank you very fucking much for using a Torx screw on the electrical box. And for using a garden hose connector for the water inlet instead of a standard 3/8″ fitting.  The supply line that I had purchased didn’t come with the necessary adapter, and my Torx screwdriver set was at the old house.  But, it is now in place and operational.

Somewhat later, I logged on to my insurance website to confirm the payment amount for my car insurance.  And found out that they canceled my homeowners policy as of 11 March.  What the fuck?!? I emailed, then called my agent.  It seems that more than twenty-five percent of the home is covered in mold, which means that they won’t cover it. The solution?  Get someone out here yesterday to pressure wash it, take pictures, and hope that it all happens in time for them to get it reinstated without a lapse in coverage.  Because if it lapses, the bank will buy coverage at about ten times what I’m paying now, which is already highway robbery, to cover their interest in the property. I have calls out to pressure washers in the area.  No idea how much this is going to cost.

And here I am, wide awake, after only three hours of sleep into my day.  It’s going to be a long night.

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