Dear Diana

The letter I’ll never give to my new former love interest.

Dear Diana,

I’m sorry. I really wish that things had worked out differently. I know that for you, at the tender age of twenty-seven I’m old. I know that I am not the tall, athletic type that most women find attractive. But I’m kind, generous, and an overall decent guy. In other words, a world apart from the guys you’re used to dating – including the male DNA donor for your son. We could have been good together.

When I asked you out, your first question was my age. Upon learning this information, you politely informed me that the difference was too much. I accepted this, and expected that to be the end of it. But you kept talking to me. Nothing leading, just small talk. I thrived on the attention, and my crush on you got stronger.

Before I could stop myself, I was spoiling you. You want to take your kid to the zoo, but don’t have the money and don’t know when you’ll have another weekend off? Here, take some cash and have fun. Your oil change is more than a thousand miles overdue? Here, let me take care of that for you. And while I have your car, I’ll fill it up with gas, since the low fuel light is on. You had to cut your hair very short because it was falling out? Here, let me buy you some overpriced supplements and an expensive shampoo/conditioner system that your stylist said might help. You’re bored during your days/time off and just happened to mention missing the Wii that you sold last year? Here, let me buy you a pre-owned one and a fifty dollar gift certificate for games.

During this time, we talked lots. You’d text me when you got up, and we’d talk until you got to work. At night we’d talk from the time I got up until you had to go to bed. You agreed to reconsider the age difference between us in the context of a possible romantic relationship. Hell, you even invited me to come to the zoo with you.

But the day before we were supposed to go, you rescinded the invitation. I was disappointed, but I understood. And honestly, I would have preferred to get to know you alone first before playing family. But I wasn’t about to turn down a day with you.

Somewhere about this time, something changed. Our conversations tapered off. I was still doing stuff for you, but you stopped texting me in the mornings. When I texted you, your replies were slow, when they came at all. My attempts at small talk got brief answers at best, and maintaining a conversation with you became a chore. You never asked anything about me.

In time, it got to where you would only initiate conversations with me to whine about how much your job sucks, or to ask me for stuff. A puppy. A specific game for the Wii. Upgrading the manicure that I’d already paid for to a mani/pedi. I turned you down, because if I’m going to be used, it’s going to be on my terms.

I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Maybe you’ve changed your attitude in an attempt to push me away without telling me how you feel directly. Or maybe you’re simply trying to see how much you can get from me for the least amount of effort.

But whatever the case, I think I’m done. It’s not nearly as much fun when you ask for things. Especially when the maximum I get is, “Thanks for the stuff.” No comment about the teddy bear being cute, or telling me what you got with the gift certificate, or if they did a good job on your nails. Just, “Thanks for the stuff.” And the communication that we had is pretty much a thing of the past.

I never put strings or conditions on anything that I gave you. I asked for nothing in return. But I did want a return on my investment. Your appreciation, and your attention via our conversations was enough, although I did hope that you’d eventually go out with me. I simply wanted to make you happy. I didn’t expect you to gush over every little thing, or to spend every free minute talking to me. But you had time for me at first. And to be as bored as you claimed to be when you wanted something from me, you certainly could have spared more attention than you’ve given recently.

On another subject, if I’d known that you were a smoker, I would never have asked you out in the first place. But at the time I found out, you also told me that you wanted to quit. So I bought you the patches. And after you had the allergic reaction to the generic ones, I bought you the more expensive brand. When those caused the same problem, I offered to pay for you to see a doctor and get a prescription alternative. You declined. Maybe you don’t really want to quit all that bad after all.

Consequently, I’m relatively certain that you will be a lifelong smoker. I can’t handle that. Not only is it a vile, disgusting, and expensive habit, but there are serious health risks. I know that not everyone who smokes gets lung cancer, emphysema, or COPD, but there is a definite link. I watched helplessly as my best friend lost his wife to lung cancer. She was forty-five. I’m not going to put myself in a position to suffer similarly. Life has enough risks as it is.

You have given no indication that there might be a chance for a future for us, despite saying that you would think about it. You barely even acknowledge what I do anymore. You now ask (not hint, but straight up ask) for stuff that is firmly in the “want” category, as though you’re entitled to it. Were we a couple, you’d get it all, and more. But we seldom even talk otherwise. That’s just not good enough for me.

I’ll still be your friend for as long as you want. I’ll listen to you bitch about whatever sucks for you at the moment. If you truly need something, and I’m in a position to help, I might lend a hand. But the days of you being my pretend girlfriend are over. Earn it, or don’t get it.

Good luck, and goodbye.

Sincerely,

Grumpy

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15 Responses to Dear Diana

  1. GarandGal says:

    I’d like to say hang in there your someone will find you! but it’s a rather thin and useless lube for the screwing you’ve been getting lately. I’m sorry that she’s using you and glad that you’re well aware of it and not feeding any more into it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m using you too because I came here today to shamelessly rifle through your archives to see if you mention ink and your thoughts on it for refilling fountain pens, but people blog so others will read it so I’m actually fulfilling your purpose. 😀 I do admire you because you keep putting yourself out there. Now I have tubthumping stuck in my head lol

  2. GarandGal says:

    Oh, I have a parker 51 vacumatic, I don’t think that would work for it, but it’d probably be great for a convertor or a cartridge system.

  3. GarandGal says:

    May i suggest that the next time she asks for something you aside the amount you would have spent on it, and keep doing that until you have enough to treat yourself to a nice vintage pen, a few bottles of ink, and then blog about it so I can get your advice on inks? 😀

    • alaskan454 says:

      Does my Parker 45 count? Honestly, I have pens running out if my ears. And the only “bad” ink I’ve tried is Private Reserve fast dry black. Even the cheap Manuscript brand from Hobby Lobby performs well. I particularly like Aurora black, but my favorite is everything from Franklin Christoph http://www.franklin-christoph.com/the-ink-cellar.html that I’ve tried. Noodler’s Bernake Blue rounds out my ink experience. That’s what’s in my Parker at the moment, and is a good, extremely fast drying medium blue. I don’t have enough experience to have become an ink snob yet, so that’s the extent of what I can offer at the moment.

      • Waterman also does good inks. Unfortunately, their color selection is limited–I’ve got red and green, and had blue (too light) and “serenity blue” (turquoise). They also have blue-black, brown, black, and purple…and that’s it.

        I strongly recommend Noodler’s Bulletproof Black if you want something that’s utterly forgery resistant…but it does take forever to dry on checks.

      • alaskan454 says:

        I know this was aimed more at Garand Gal than me, but damn you! Now I’m going to spend more money on ink. Which means that I need more pens. Seriously, I wanted a purple (don’t ask why, I have no idea) and was disappointed that F&C’s limited run was sold out.

        People still write checks?

  4. GarandGal says:

    ps my pen hasn’t actually arrived yet but it’s on it’s way! It’s attic fresh, to cop a term from the vintage sewing machine community, so it’ll probably need some fiddling and farting around with but, but, BUT it’s from the plant where grandma worked, from the years I know she was making the specific type of cap this pen has, and it has the filled gold clip with the blue diamond and I happen to know she was one of the few people who worked with the gold clips and silver caps because post-depression era and gold and silver.

    • alaskan454 says:

      I love my 45. I don’t use it that much, since most of my writing is done at work, and I refuse to risk bringing it here.

      I’m sure you’ll love your 51, and I’d to hear about your experience with it. Any problems, let me know. If I can’t help, I know someone who can.

  5. Wraith says:

    But I’m kind, generous, and an overall decent guy. In other words, a world apart from the guys you’re used to dating – including the male DNA donor for your son…
    I thrived on the attention, and my crush on you got stronger…
    Before I could stop myself, I was spoiling you…
    In time, it got to where you would only initiate conversations with me to whine about how much your job sucks, or to ask me for stuff…
    I never put strings or conditions on anything that I gave you. I asked for nothing in return. But I did want a return on my investment…
    You have given no indication that there might be a chance for a future for us, despite saying that you would think about it. You barely even acknowledge what I do anymore. You now ask (not hint, but straight up ask) for stuff that is firmly in the “want” category, as though you’re entitled to it…I’ll still be your friend for as long as you want…

    Hear you nothing that I say, young Padawan???

    Somewhere about this time, something changed. Our conversations tapered off. I was still doing stuff for you, but you stopped texting me in the mornings. When I texted you, your replies were slow, when they came at all. My attempts at small talk got brief answers at best, and maintaining a conversation with you became a chore. You never asked anything about me.

    In time, it got to where you would only initiate conversations with me to whine about how much your job sucks, or to ask me for stuff. A puppy. A specific game for the Wii. Upgrading the manicure that I’d already paid for to a mani/pedi. I turned you down, because if I’m going to be used, it’s going to be on my terms.

    I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Maybe you’ve changed your attitude in an attempt to push me away without telling me how you feel directly. Or maybe you’re simply trying to see how much you can get from me for the least amount of effort.

    I’m turning this over to Mrs. Wraith, in order to give you a woman’s perspective. BRB:

    OK…Here’s what I am getting from you on her…She’s whiny and negative and seems very materialistic. Anyone who “needs” that many manipedis while raising a child she seemingly can’t afford to get things for is a little selfish. OK, a lot selfish. She expressed to you she wasn’t interested (kudos for her honestly, I guess?) and who knows what her real intentions were for that. People today don’t seem to have a lot of humanity. Everyone seems out for themselves and if they can get sex from one person and money and “stuff” from another, many will do so. It’s not right and it sucks. I’m being blunt, because that’s just who I am and I don’t know either of you, so forgive me if I am wrong. Bottom line? She was using you from the very beginning. Sorry, but she was.
    The biggest problem I see is that you let her. You let her take her pretty, polished feet walk all over you. And you paid her to do so. You know the phrase “Nice guys finish last”? There is a reason for it. Don’t be an asshole, but don’t worship a woman who has no interest in anything but what you can buy for her (or do for her). I have dated men like you. They were nice, giving men who for some reason thought that if I was not interested (I was always honest about my status in the relationship) they could buy my affection. This is hard to write because it is hard for you to take, but it makes us respect you SO much less! I wasn’t in it for stuff or manicures, but hey….if he REALLY wants to pay my semester of tuition,,,,what I am going to say??? It didn’t make me love them. It didn’t make me see a husband. I STILL WASN’T INTERESTED!!!! I just had a source of stress taken out of my life. However, besides the car, your girl didn’t NEED any of the things you gave her.
    Another side of this?? I used to be you in a way. My low self esteem made me buy gifts for friends all the damn time. Things I couldn’t afford no matter how much they cost (major, major medical debts). But if I bought them things, maybe they would like me a little more? Maybe want to hang out a little more? IT DOESN’T WORK!! They like you or they don’t. Don’t sacrifice your financial well being trying to buy anyone’s love. Love yourself first. Buy something for yourself first. Make the next girl think you are penniless and see what happens?
    OK, rant over. I really do hope you find “the one” but I really think you should rethink the kind of WOMAN (not girl) you want and need. They are out there. I promise.

    OK, BAK. I used to be you as well. I’d do anything for a woman that struck my fancy, as long as I thought it would make her like me back. It wasn’t until I started living my own life, on my own terms, that I met a woman who truly loved and respected me–for WHO I WAS, not what she thought I could do for her.

    I say this out of love, bro. I don’t want you to keep repeating this same circle. You deserve to be happy, but it’s not going to happen until you unlearn your current behavior patterns, patterns that I’m seeing over and over again.

    You’re worth more.

    –Wraith

    • alaskan454 says:

      Thank you, both of you, for your advice and feedback. I truly appreciate it, even if I can’t seem to make myself do as you advise.

      After she turned me down, I didn’t really expect her to change her mind. Sure, I hoped that she would, but never expected it. I didn’t share this part of the story. Her father left her mother after nearly thirty years of marriage for someone twenty years his junior, and started a second family with the “young slut”. While the circumstances are very different, the age difference alone was too much of a reminder of that for us to ever have a chance.

      But I was OK with that. Sincere gratitude and a decent amount of attention, even in the form of text communication, was worth it. Sure, I should be paying ahead on my mortgage, but I can afford $50-100 per payday. It kept my focus away from B. Whether I’m over her or not, if I let my mind wander, the pain comes back. I figured, better to focus on some chick who is willing to trade attention for stuff to help put a few more miles between me and B.

      I knew she was using me from the beginning. I didn’t care. If she hadn’t taken away the conversation and started to ask for shit, I wouldn’t be complaining. Because I was using her, too. Using her to keep from thinking about B. Had it turned into something, that would’ve just been a bonus.

  6. Wraith says:

    You gotta find something other than another romantic interest to occupy your mind. As long as you pine for love, you’re acting like prey. Act like prey, attract predators.

    • alaskan454 says:

      Easier said than done. I work my ass off around the house when I’m not at work, in the yard and such, but it’s not enough to keep my mind off of it. At work, when it’s slow, I read. But there are elements in even the most violent stories that remind me. Suggestions?

      • Wraith says:

        Take up something you haven’t done. What seems interesting? What have you always been curious about learning?

        Remember, this is an unprecedented time in human history: You have the internet. You can learn anything you want FOR FREE. Occupying your brain with new information and new challenges will help keep it from straying into old patterns.

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