Reality Check

Ashamedly, I’ve been in contact with B the last few days. Hell, I even saw her on Saturday. I was leaving the Lowe’s parking lot as she and the family were pulling in. None of them saw me to recognize me.

She has continued to express unhappiness in her current situation, and regret for dumping me. At one point, she mentioned the possibility of taking the kids and going to a shelter to get away from him. I don’t believe that she was serious. I think she wanted a reaction from me. Well, she got it.

I told her that if she could get away from him and get an official separation and child custody agreement in place, that we could try again if she wanted to. I knew it was a safe offer, because she doesn’t have what it takes to do either of those things. Although, if she showed up on my doorstep with said document in hand, I’d probably let her in. Her reply was, “If only…”.

The next day, she commented that she wished Wifey wasn’t living with me. I asked her why. At first, she didn’t answer. When I asked a second time, she replied, “I’m can’t move straight in with you its not healthy for us or the kids.” I told her that I agreed, and gently explained that I hadn’t offered that option to her. We would need to talk some things out first.

“Well, that made me feel foolish.”

I explained that, while I was open to renewing a relationship with her, we couldn’t simply pick up where we would have been had the last two months never happened.

That’s when it happened. The B that I knew so well from the last couple months of our relationship popped her head out.

“For the record I didn’t ask. Goodbye.”

Against my better judgment, I reverted to my old ways, and tried to appease her. ” I know you didn’t ask.  But when you said that my reply made you feel foolish, I didn’t know how else to take it. Please talk to me.  What can I do?  What do you want?  I’m trying here.”

She curtly informed me that she was at an egg hunt and had to go. That was probably true, but she never found an opportunity to write back after that. And, assuming she was telling the truth, that was the last day on her phone’s plan, and she had no money to renew it.

I don’t think she’s finished with me yet, even though I didn’t offer to renew her phone plan for her, and I didn’t try to swoop in and save her when she mentioned going to the shelter. She knows which buttons to push, but no longer has as much control as she once did. I’m not sure she fully understands that second part, though.

And she let the mask slip. If she were truly remorseful, and if she really wanted to get back with me because she realized that she still loves me and made the mistake of her life when she dumped me, there wouldn’t have been any snide remarks. “For the record, I didn’t ask,” was her undoing.

She hasn’t changed. Yes, she’s sorry she left, but only because she misses how I treated her. Not because she loves me. And she wouldn’t be any different were we to get back together. I’d still spend the majority of my life kissing her ass and apologizing for shit I did that wasn’t wrong.

And based on the ratio of good days to bad days, especially towards the end, it’s just not worth it. Hell, it wouldn’t be worth it even if hubby dearest wasn’t in the picture.

I will always miss the good days. But maybe, just maybe, I now have the strength to eventually let her go.

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10 Responses to Reality Check

  1. You already know how I feel about all of this. Love you. xoxoxo

  2. Wraith says:

    Some of us have to learn slowly…but at least you’re on the path to learning. And I’m not being a smartass–BTDT myself, all too many times.

    Keep learning, bro…it gets easier every time.

    • alaskan454 says:

      You’re absolutely right. I’m thick on a good day. When my heart is this heavily invested, I’m really slow. I appreciate the support more than you know.

  3. Jin Chiang says:

    You’re experiencing battered Grumpy syndrome. B has an uncanny emotional knack for keeping you unbalanced and, thus, vulnerable. By unhealthy, she means it’s harder to isolate you for control when Wifey is under the same roof.

    • alaskan454 says:

      Which is why I am doing my best to encourage Wifey to hang out for a while. I know I’m weak. Anything to keep me from doing something stupid is a plus.

  4. I’m still here, and still worrying about you. The last week has been taken up with doing a month’s worth of backed up laundry since we got the new machine on Monday that we bought at the end of March.

    If you need an ear, you know where to find me, my friend.

  5. You know how to get a hold of me, too, brother. Wimmens is the debbil.

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