Yesterday morning, as I was leaving work, B texted me.
I know, you’re sick of hearing about her. I’m sorry. I’m sick of hurting.
She sounded borderline suicidal. And I wanted to talk to her. So I did. It seems that less than a month into her marriage, things aren’t going so well. Not that that came as a surprise to anyone. Here’s most of her side of the conversation:
I think about you every day. I’m truly sorry.
My heart hurts because I know I messed up the best thing I could have ever had. I thought I was doing the right thing and I will pay every day for my mistake. I hope life treats you good and you find all the happiness in the world. I really do.
I’m not happy and I will never be. It’s just not in my cards. I drive by your beautiful house and the times I see your car in the yard are the worst. If only I could turn back time. I won’t bother you anymore. Good luck in life and I love you always.
(Eldest Daughter) asked about you just last night. She said my dad never does anything with me but I bet (Grumpy) would have.
If only writing could make my heart feel better. I long for your kiss, your touch – things I’ll never get again.
It’s all my fault. I dug my own grave and it’s my time to lay down in it. Please have happiness in your life.
They (her daughters) had the whole world and so did I, and I threw it away because I didn’t deserve happiness. Seriously I’m sorry. I hope you find love and happiness.
God I miss you so much.
Part of me wants to gloat. But only a tiny part. Mostly, I’m heartbroken. I loved her with my entire heart and soul. I still do. She’s broken, and I couldn’t help fix her. I know it’s over. No second chances.
But, God help me, I miss how she made me feel. I want to hold her in my arms just one more time. A chance for the face to face goodbye that I didn’t get when she left.
Is this how love feels? Whatever it is, it fucking sucks.