I Lied

I said that I wasn’t going to mention B again. Although that was my intent at the time, it turns out that I need to say more. I’d say that I’m sorry, but it’s my blog. My outlet. I need to vent. Even if I run off every reader I have.

A few days ago, I found out that she unblocked me on the book of faces. I wonder why.

Does she want me to see her header pic showing the two of them kissing each other in an attempt to hurt me?

Did she do it so she could troll me, perhaps forgetting (or not bothering) to re-block me after she finished?

Has baby daddy reverted to his old ways, causing her to regret her decision?

Does it even matter? Of course not. But I can’t help but wonder.

I don’t want her back. I wouldn’t take her back regardless of the circumstances. But I still love and miss the girl I thought she was, very much.

The girl whose simple, brief touch on my back or shoulder would make me forget the frustrations of the day in a split second. Not the girl who twisted innocent statements into grave offenses, and then accused me of deliberately trying to upset her.

The girl who made me happier than I ever remember being, an evaluation confirmed by a family member. Not the girl whose departure from my life has caused more immediate pain than any other event in my life.

The girl who did more to help me overcome my insecurities and self esteem issues than I ever thought possible. Not the girl who immediately and aggressively defended her ex to me, condemning my statement, when what I said was extremely accurate and only slightly unflattering.

The girl who, when life kept us apart even for the briefest times, told me how much she missed me and missed my touch. Not the girl who backed out on a long-planned night together, saying that we’d be living together soon, and would be together 24/7 at that point, but ended it before that day ever came. Certainly not the girl who, when I expressed my disappointment over losing said night with her in the gentlest way I could, angrily told me to go fuck my wife.

The girl who told me that she loved me and made me believe it without a doubt. Not the girl who accused me of looking at our relationship as a business arrangement instead of a “real” relationship, simply because I dared to take financial matters into consideration when making decisions.

The girl for whom I would have attempted anything, just to make her happy. Not the girl who maxed out my credit card after making her decision to leave me, all while denying me one final face to face conversation.

God, this hurts sometimes.

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14 Responses to I Lied

  1. Wraith says:

    The girl who did more to help me overcome my insecurities and self esteem issues than I ever thought possible.

    If she left you with nothing else, she gave you that. If you expand upon it, she won’t have beaten you. You’ll have taken something from that relationship that she can never take back: Your pride.

  2. Vent away. I for one ain’t going anywhere.

  3. bbuddha says:

    “I don’t want her back. I wouldn’t take her back regardless of the circumstances.” Don’t forget this when she turns contrite and you are missing her. I know how some woman are and this sounds suspiciously like someone wanting to revisit the “scene of the crime” so to speak
    And try to get at least a small garden in, i’m not sure there is anything more therapeutic than getting your hands in the dirt and picking fresh vegetable.

  4. Sounds like her previous decisions were made in the heat of the moment and the reality of the consequences is starting to sink in. Your inability to forgive is not necessarily a bad thing, but a good thing in certain circumstances. Even as forgiving as I am, there are things that cannot be forgiven. She crossed that line for sure. Huge hugs!

  5. Steve says:

    I’d echo what the others have said about “coming back” and pass on a website that’s helped explain Modern Woman to me. I wish you the best in the future

    — Steve

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