Reasonable Measures?

I need some advice.

B’s ex had been safely out of state until today. Last week, he lost his job, got drunk, tore up his motel room and beat one of his “friends” half to death. Today, his daddy is posting his bond and bringing him back to the area.

He’s been arrested many times for beating the shit out of people, and was even convicted a time or three.

On more than one occasion, he has said that he intends to cause death or grievous bodily harm to me the first time he sees me. Actually “beat me to death” and “kick my ass” are his phrases of choice, but you get the idea. Given his documented past, it seems to be a credible threat. I don’t plan to make it easy for him.

B and I intend cohabitation in the home that I am still trying to complete the purchase of. Even assuming that the deal closes this week as currently scheduled, which seems unlikely since we’ve missed the last two scheduled closings, there are weeks worth of repairs that will be done before anyone can move in. So we’re still a little ways out.

Even though it is extremely unlikely that he will physically harm her or the girls, I fully expect him to try to follow through on his threats against me. By my logic, a threat to any member of the household is a threat to the entire household.

I am already working on security procedures that I plan to insist that B and the kids follow, coupled with physical target hardening measures already previously planned. They are listed below, along with explanations as appropriate. Are any unreasonable? If so, please explain why.

Asshole is not to be told where we live. He knows most of the folks in the area, and eventually someone will tell him. But not any of us. She will deliver and pick up the kids wherever he’s staying for visitation.

Once he finally does find out and decides to stop by, the sheriff is to be called the second we become aware that he’s stepped foot onto the property. Do not speak to him. If outside, quickly come inside and lock behind you. If inside, double check locks, do not acknowledge him in any way, and get deputies rolling immediately.

Under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed inside the home, no matter how friendly he may be acting. Kids are never to answer the door, even if the visitor is known, and B must identify any visitors before unbolting the door. If it’s asshole, he is to be ignored and the sheriff called.

I insist on not speaking to him in order to prevent the following testimony in the event that I am forced to defend myself against him and we both survive the encounter:

Your Honor, I came over regularly and hung out with my kids and talked to BabyMama, and then one day this sonofabitch comes out and fucking shoots me.

Would I be unreasonable to end the relationship should she refuse to agree to and follow these basic measures? She’s convinced he’s all talk, but his record says otherwise. I’m not willing to gamble my life on that chance, and if she is, then it is my opinion that she has insufficient respect for my life to be a part of it. Am I wrong?

I should add that I’m not trying to find an excuse to end our relationship, far from it, and I don’t think that she’ll refuse. But in case I am wrong, I wanted to ask if this is a hill worth dying on. Since it may end up being exactly that.

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16 Responses to Reasonable Measures?

  1. nancykrainz says:

    No relationship is worth losing your life over. Nothing to gain if you’re dead. I agree with you as far as taking him seriously and the guidelines you have set. He only needs one opportunity. Be careful!!!!!

  2. Even if he did not have a record proving he is indeed all too willing to follow through, such threats should never be taken lightly. The fact that he does have a record only makes it more serious. I’d not rule out him hurting her or the girls as a means to get to you either. Never underestimate a person -they just may prove you wrong.

    That said, no you are not being unreasonable in any regard. It would be harder getting the girls to understand and follow the rules, especially the younger one. I am not one to give ultimatiums in a relationship but there are exceptions in certain situations. This would be one of them. I love you and insist upon your living as long as possible.

  3. Wraith says:

    She thinks he’s “all talk?” Maybe she could ask his ‘friend’ about that…assuming his jaw’s not wired shut and he’s not in a coma.

  4. Neal says:

    Shit. Life’s already a pain in the ass without having this waste of oxygen around. NC has stand your ground and with your firearms practice you probably have decent discipline with your EDC. Though I always figured it’s going to be shitting in my pants time if I ever had to use mine. If you shoot him, look like you’re trying to resuscitate the motherfucker when the police show up.

    • alaskan454 says:

      I’m trying to avoid it coming to that. I work with his aunt, and she’s told me that he thrives on pain, and that I’ll have to kill him to stop him if he decides to come after me. Mostly because if I do have to kill him, no matter how justified I am, the seven-year old is old enough to remember, and will never forgive me for killing her daddy. Regardless of the circumstances.

  5. Erin Palette says:

    Considering he’s threatened you multiple times, why not get a restraining order? If the kids are to be delivered to his house for visitation anyway, there’s no reason for him to come by. And that way, if you do have to shoot him, you’ve already got a paper trail.

    • alaskan454 says:

      I was going to, but NC is weird about that. They have two different kinds. For one, there has to be (or once been) a domestic relationship. For the other, it is limited to stalking or “nonconsensual sexual contact”. And one or the other must be proven before the order will be issued. Neither has happened, so no order would be issued. My next best idea for paper trail issues is to have his ass carted off for trespassing every time he shows up. Then, the one time he catches me outside and it turns into an altercation, at least I have those past incidents on record.

  6. Steve says:

    I’d recommend The Gift of Fear from a man who has made a career from advising clients about future violence and how to avoid it. I also echo the other commentators who note the man’s history of violence, and threats to continue it. Lastly, I’d also recommend reading this as ‘self-defence’ is an ‘affirmative defense’, meaning that you have already plead guilty to killing the individual, but are saying that you shouldn’t be punished because ‘it was him or me’. That was a legal point I hadn’t considered until reading that, along with others.

    — Steve

    • alaskan454 says:

      Thank you, Sir. The second one has been in my “saved for later” for a while. Time to move it into my cart proper. First one was new to me, and has been purchased.

      • Neal says:

        Regarding “After You Shoot”, read the one-star review on why you definitely DO NOT want to follow the author’s advice.

      • Neal says:

        Though not a bad idea to have a 911 call already thought out.

  7. Steve says:

    Here is one more page, related to your subject: link

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