Soul Searching

I know it’s been a while. My apologies.

This is going to be a follow-up to my last two posts. Much has taken place since we last talked.

I have decided to go forward with the potential relationship with B. It is going to be at least a couple months before the immigration situation is decided, so the question may resolve itself before there is an issue. In the mean time, I will continue communicating with Wifey, and the immigration process will continue to move at its current pace.

B is away from her ex and in her own place now. It didn’t take a lot of encouragement to make it happen. She felt trapped, and needed a nudge to show her otherwise. Although me putting up the money for the deposit probably didn’t hinder the process any.

Between the move itself, the last minute school enrollment change, and running all over hell’s half acre to furnish the place with thrift store stuff, all while maintaining the required presence at work, it has been a busy week.

This has been very difficult for me. On one hand, I feel guilty. In her emails, Wifey writes about how much she is looking forward to the house, and of how nice it will be to have our own place. She talks about finishing the remodel and growing old slowly, together. And I believe her.

Then I remember her actions and decisions that left me alone almost three years ago. And all the other shit I whined about already.

B and I seem good together, at least so far. She’s passionate about her feelings for me. She appreciates the things that I do for her. She likes me. She wants me. When we’re together, life is great.

But there’s the house. I’ve moved probably thirty times as an adult, and I am fucking sick of it. And I put tens of thousands of dollars, hundreds of hours, gallons of sweat, and more than a few drops of blood to get it this far. I don’t expect B to ever live here. It’s in town, the school district is somewhat less than desirable, and with two rug rats, I’d have to give up my office.

I’ve made conscious choices to get where I am today – near zero debt, minimal responsibility. I really like where I am in my life, and I would really prefer not to give all that up. I mean, can you really see old Grumpy playing daddy to a fucking toddler?

But when I am with B, nothing else matters. She becomes my world. She responds to me in ways that no woman ever has. She feels as lucky and blessed to have me as I do her. I’ve never had that before. Certainly not with Wifey.

Nothing in life is free. If I want the awesomeness that is B, I have to hurt my wife, probably piss off one of my best friends (ex-Roomie) and accept the drama and baggage that comes with her.

God, please grant me strength and wisdom.

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6 Responses to Soul Searching

  1. Craig says:

    I’ll be the first of admit I don’t know the entire situation beside of what’s written in your blogs but I think God has already granted you the wisdom. You just need to acknowledge it.
    My 2 cents. Women coming out of a bad relationship usually will attach to the first kind soul that comes along. Are you prepared to burn all your bridges to be a “rebounder” only to be kicked to the curb later?

    • alaskan454 says:

      Not being argumentative (for once), but is it really rebound? I mean, her 2-year old is by another dude. Supposedly, they haven’t shared a room or the other things that usually go with that for years. She provided for him, he cussed her and told her how much of a loser she was. He watched the kid(s) so she could go to work and support him. She never got around to leaving. I guess that could be considered a relationship.

      I figure which ever way this goes, it’s my last real shot at anything permanent. And if I do get kicked to the curb, well it’s not like I’m a stranger to that feeling. I mean, it’s already happened quite a few times. What’s one more? The scar tissue is already pretty thick.

      • Craig says:

        Ah, I was under the impression you “rescued” her from a bad situation. Be argumentative all ya want, it’s your blog, I am a visitor. I have a thick skin.
        I, too, am seeing someone and am in a similar dilemma. I am debt free and she has baggage. I like this simple life I’ve carved out and am not wanting to upset this fine balance.. I’m not sure it’s worth it.

      • alaskan454 says:

        Well, I did “encourage” her to get the hell out, did put up the deposit for the new place, and have been the one dragging a uHaul trailer all over creation transporting her new furniture, so I could be considered rescuer-ish. But it didn’t take much convincing to get her to take that step.

        As to your situation, I can definitively say this: Some days, it will definitely be worth it. Other days, absolutely not. What I can’t predict is the ratio, or what ratio you will need for it to be worth it overall. But you already knew that. Best of luck to you, my friend.

  2. Jin Chiang says:

    It’s your last real shot at anything permanent? How did you come to that conclusion? I beg to differ.

    Unlike girls hitting the wall, you’ll remain viable until death. Three words. Anna Nicole Smith. Who knew the grumpy gaze would turn B into butter. Impressive. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of hermit game.

    Keep the curb away by paying attention to what she does not what she says and your intuition.

    • alaskan454 says:

      Well, I don’t have enough zeros in my bank account to attract an Anna Nicole Smith. And although statistically speaking, I have almost half of my life ahead of me, I am no one’s idea of a prize. Except maybe B, but I don’t think that the “shiny” has worn off enough yet for her to be considered reliable or objective.

      Hermit game, eh? I can’t argue. Something certainly attracted a woman I never believed attainable.

      Thanks for the advice. I am trying to follow the old saying: Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

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