Confession, and a Dilemma – Part II

So, my wife has a pending immigrant visa case currently with the National Visa Center.  She could be back by the end of the year if everything goes smoothly. It probably won’t, but I figure that there is a 90+% chance of it eventually being approved.  Great, right?

Maybe not.

I’ve mentioned talking to this new girl at work.  Well, she’s not new, but the talking part is. Things are happening that I never saw coming.

I’ve had a crush on the girl for months, but that happened once before with another girl.  They are fun, but I don’t act on these crushes.  I am married, even if I haven’t seen my wife in nine hundred thirty-nine days. I’m a chickenshit of epic proportions. It’s almost never a good idea to date someone where you work.  And both she and the object of my last work crush are/were too young for me.

It turns out that this girl, who I will call B, had been trying to catch my eye for about as long as I’d been crushing on her, maybe even a little longer.  I’m not sure why, since she turned down my dinner invitation the other week due to having a boyfriend.

She’s been with this boyfriend for roughly eight years, and has a sprog by him.  Some time between the creation of said sprog and the present time, dude developed quite the taste for recreational pharmaceuticals. They haven’t shared a room or bed in quite some time. She has another kid, age 2, by “an old boyfriend with whom she had a moment of weakness” who hasn’t seen the baby since it was four months old. Yeah, she picks winners.  She claims to stay with him because she works third shift, and worthless though he is, he will refrain from getting too fucked up so he can keep an eye on the kids while she’s at work.  She has nobody else who can or will help.

So, while neither of us are technically available, neither of our current situations are even remotely fulfilling.  And we’ve both been interested in each other for several months.

Well, we finally found each other.

I won’t bore you with the details of the hours-long conversations that we’ve had pretty much every day since establishing our mutual interest. There are many reasons nothing should develop between us. My wife. Her boyfriend. The age difference (14 years). Her kids and my lack of a desire to deal with that. She’s quite the people person, and I’m a reclusive hermit.  She can’t stand the heat of a jalapeño pepper, while I regularly cook with habanero and ghost pepper. Hell, she’s a fucking deomcrat.  I’m not sure she understands the word, though.  She has no issues whatsoever with guns, and I have yet to find any real topics about which her claimed democrat-ness shows through.

She actually likes me.  She blushes furiously if I hold eye contact for more than a second or two. You cannot imagine how flattering that is.  Pretty girls just don’t notice me, much less have physical responses to my gaze.  Hell, even the ugly ones don’t usually acknowledge my existence. I’m usually the one embarrassingly trying to impress the girl. But she liked me without me approaching her and making a move. And I liked her before she finally dropped enough hints for me to figure out that she was interested. It’s only been a short time, but we just click so far. Conversation with her is easy. I admit that the lust is thick enough you could cut it with a chainsaw, but beyond wanting to do bad things to her, I like her.

I just don’t know what to do.  I want to go forward and see if there is anything there that may stand the test of time.  But I don’t want to break her heart.  She’s too sweet of a girl, and she’s already had a tough life.  And I have given my word to my wife that I will give her a second chance if she can get back into the country, despite the fact that I haven’t fully forgiven her for leaving. She’s not back yet, but there’s not that much time between now and when she may be.  There’s enough time to fall in love, but not long enough time for any real long term viability test.

If I move forward, we’ll probably fall in love, and either I must risk that it will last long term and blow off my wife after almost two years of immigration struggles, or I keep my word to my wife and break B’s heart in the process.  Perhaps along with my own.

If I don’t let it move forward, I will always wonder what could have been.  I could wait out the immigration process and hope that B will wait.  She knows the whole story, and has been very understanding so far.  It should only be a couple more months.  But who the fuck knows what’s really going to happen? There could be more delays before the interview. The 04 August notice did say that they expect it to take “at least 60 days to review documents”. Everything else has been running at almost double the estimated time. Then there is the time to transfer everything to the embassy.  And their processing time.  And the time to wait for the interview. And if they deny her after the interview, which is a real possibility, there is an appeal process.  That will take another indeterminate amount of time to get through. With no certain outcome.

And there is absolutely no guarantee that Wifey and I will be happy together, regardless of when she gets here. We know each other, but not as a couple. We’ve never spent the night in the same room. Yes, there were a few intimate encounters, five to be exact, but every time it felt like we were sneaking around. I never saw her completely without clothes. Draw the curtains, do the deed, get dressed, and get on with the day. At no point have I ever felt for her anything even remotely like what I feel for B.  Not that that’s much of indicator, but it is something. Right?

Decisions, decisions.  Whichever way I go, it will be wrong.

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14 Responses to Confession, and a Dilemma – Part II

  1. Craig says:


  2. Jennifer says:

    Yikes! That really is a mess. Obviously, I can’t tell you what to do, but I will say to think long and hard about it. There’s certainly no easy answer. Have you mentioned any of this to your wife? Does she really even want to give it a shot with you or is this a very convenient opportunity to get out of a very turbulent situation in her home country? And yes, I realize that’s not exactly an easy conversation to have either. Whatever you decide, it’s you, your wife, and B that have to deal with it.

    • alaskan454 says:

      Thanks, Jennifer. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

      I haven’t mentioned anything to my wife. I am afraid that if I do, she will immediately walk away from everything, again, regardless of how she really feels. She isn’t exactly forthcoming with her feelings, as history has shown. She seems eager to help with the rest of the house renovation, but whether that is based more on a desire to make a life together or a sense of obligation, I don’t know.

      If she is motivated at least as much by the opportunity to escape a bad situation in her home country as the desire to be with me, I’m still OK helping her make that escape. Her sister will help support her until she can get on her feet here.

      If you are so inclined, a prayer or two on my behalf would be appreciated. Despite claiming to be an asshole, which to a large degree is true, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I care deeply for both of these ladies, and I don’t want to play games with or hurt either of them.

  3. Bob Docherty says:

    Run don’t walk from the Ex. Nothing good shall come from this. She left you once. That is a fact.Make a list of pros and cons of whichever relationship you want to move forward. Not a “she looks good” list, but what YOU need in a relationship. Kids can be a big downer if they are not your own. If she won’t permit you to be the parent a child needs, run. You are taking on a lot of responsibility that may destroy the relationship if you can’t have the disciplinary action and buy-in necessary, if you see the child going “South”. Prayers to you..

    • alaskan454 says:

      Thanks so much for the advice and the prayers. B and I have to talk about the stuff that could be issues down the road before any real decision can be made. I’m making a list. Kids are on it.

  4. Jin Chiang says:

    Paul Newman was married to his wife, but was in love with his mistress. He took the easy out by having a third child with his wife and confessed to being as guilty as hell about it. He could have made the tough but right choice by divorcing his wife and making sure she had alimony and child support for their children instead of prolonging her agony.

    Similarly, do you want to hurt Wifey by condemning her to a miserable life here? She had panic attacks due to culture shock, the language barrier, and being uprooted away from her family. I think the tough but right choice is to tell her that she will always have a place in your heart, but you will be there as her friend only.

    • alaskan454 says:

      That is what I am leaning towards. But I do want to finish the visa process first. That way, she will have the opportunity to come here if she wants to, with my support as a friend, with additional help from her sister. If I tell her now, her stubbornness and pride will kick in, and she will piss away a second chance at a green card. The added bonus? It gives me more time to see if B and I are likely to work long term.

      Thanks for the always good advice.

  5. Jin Chiang says:

    If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Lay your cards on the table now. Otherwise, Wifey would probably take it as a slap to the face because it is based on deception regardless of how noble your intentions are.

    • alaskan454 says:

      And if she walks away without completing the green card process again, but later regrets it, again? What then? At that point, I won’t be able to help her.

  6. Jin Chiang says:

    Well, what is more important? Do you want to continue with the green card or minimize the pain? You can already tell Wifey would consider it a betrayal especially if you hit it off with B.

    Murphy is a fickle thing. What? Are you going to bounce your girlfriend on one knee and your wife on the other?

    Remember, actions not words. Okay, B took the time and effort to get with you. So did Wifey take any actions at all to save the marriage other than demonstrating a keen interest now that you have money?

    You’ve been more than generous. If Wifey walks again then it’s on her. Consequences and all that.

    • alaskan454 says:

      I don’t know if she would see it as betrayal as much as she would have a pride attack and walk away based on that. She is a decent person, if stubborn and misguided in my opinion. The country is in civil war. I want to help her, because I care about her. Even though I would prefer to be in a romantic/intimate relationship with B.

      And you certainly make a good point about Wifey’s actions or lack thereof regarding the marriage. Remorse, whether real or fake, is still an emotion, not an action.

      As always, many thanks for your words of wisdom.

  7. lpcard says:

    No advice just an observation…this is one of the reasons I’m not so eager to dive back into the shark tank.

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