Dangerously Stupid

And yet I survived, unmarked.

As you know, if you have read my posts from the past week, my kitchen sink drain line is stopped up tighter than a tick’s ass. I have tried a plunger, a snake, forcing water through, DranoMax, and another brand of (supposedly) heavy duty drain opener. Not a fucking drop of liquid will get through.

I had been wondering if any of the chemicals here at work might do the job without dissolving the plumbing. Yesterday, Heroditus Huxley, who has been having similar problems for quite some time, mentioned sulfuric acid. We use that here. Maybe I can liberate a liter or two.

I couldn’t find any proper containers small enough to fit inside of my plastic igloo cooler/lunch box. We get the stuff in poly (plastic) drums, and the transfer lines are gray, industrial PVC (plastic). It is hell on organics, but if it doesn’t eat plastic, I should be able to find something that will work.

I bought two twenty ounce bottles of Gatorade, drank the contents, and rinsed the bottles. After they had mostly dried, I filled them to within two inches of full with 98% technical grade H2SO4 and tucked them in my igloo, stacking the remains of my lunch around them.

You know what happens next, right?

I put the cooler on the bench where it always goes, and went back to my assigned duties. Two hours later, it was almost time to go home. I opened the cooler for a final inspection of my contraband. One of the orange Gatorade tops was visible at an angle, and lower in the cooler.

Hmm… I didn’t think there was enough room for it to turn over. Let me fix that.

And with that, I submerged my bare hand into four inches of highly concentrated acid. I felt the liquid and heat almost immediately. Fortunately, I was only about ten steps away from a water source.

I hosed my hand off, and was amazed by (and extremely thankful for) the lack of blisters and significant pain. Once I was relatively certain that my hand wasn’t going to fall off, I carried the lunch box behind the machine, emptied it over the sump grate, and turned the water on.

After rinsing my lunch box, which appeared unaffected, I scraped the remains of the bottles and the Gladware containers that had contained my lunch into a bucket for disposal at a later time. All that was left of the bottles was the tops, the labels, and a small amount of the base where the plastic was the thickest. The Gladware, like the cooler, appear impervious. Not that I recommend using either for transporting dangerous chemicals.

There were white spots on the sleeves of my jacket from where the acid splashed during my sprint to water. It is in the washer now. We shall see if it survives.

Twelve hours later, there is no physical evidence that it ever happened. All I can say is this.

Thank you, God, for looking out for your stupid, wayward creation who knew better, but did it anyway.

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2 Responses to Dangerously Stupid

  1. Jin Chiang says:

    Later, your guardian angel goes home.

    She yanks off her celestial revolver and white robe. Then takes a long swig straight from a bottle of ambrosia while watching you sleep. Her wings are still cherry red and smoking hot.

    I’m glad you’re unscathed.

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