On Relationships

For a guy who hasn’t had a date in forever, and has two (with different women) that are supposed to take place during the coming week, I’m in a shitty mood.

After not mentioning it for several weeks, WTL expressed interest in collecting on the breakfast offer I made a while back. Every time we set a time, something came up in her life to fuck it up. The grandbaby needs to go to the doctor. Daughter got arrested. Daughter is going to jail. WTL’s ex-husband got custody of the grandbaby for the 45 days that daughter is to be locked up instead of WTL because of WTL’s alcoholism, and WTL is devastated over it. Part of the court order requires that any visits that WTL has with grandbaby must be supervised, and nobody bothered to tell her until she went to pick up the baby one morning. Every one of these was cause for rescheduling.

Yesterday, we rescheduled again, for this morning. When I talked to her this morning to confirm, she told me that we’d have to make it brief, because she had agreed to go to church this morning with her son. I quickly informed her that we would have to reschedule yet again. What I didn’t say was that the whole thing was not supposed to be about the meal, but about spending time together.

I know, I know. Y’all have counseled me to avoid her as potential relationship material, and I have agreed to follow said counsel. I should have taken the quick breakfast this morning and then let it end. The problem is that I care about her, and I don’t want to half-ass it, even if it the chances are ninety-nine point nine percent that it will be the only time. That is the same reason why I didn’t want to go immediately after work, although that is her stated preference. I’m dirty and sweaty after nine hours in that shithole, and I don’t give a damn that we’ve known each other for almost a year and a half. It’s a first date, for fuck’s sake, and certain protocols really need to be followed.

We’re supposed to try again tomorrow morning.

We’ve had a few recent conversations on the subject, which are relevant to the primary point that I plan to make by the time I’m done with this post. I asked her directly if she was really interested in a relationship, and, considering everything that seems to always be going on in her life, if she felt that she actually had time for such a relationship. She answered both questions in the affirmative. She further commented that she could definitely understand why I would ask.

Moving on to New Girl. She seems interested enough, and I truly believe that she did have plans with her sister for this past weekend. Our plans were only tentative, but I thought that they were reasonably firm. I was a little surprised when she did not offer any sort of an apology when she informed me that we would have to meet some other time.

As it turns out, she sent me a message around noon on Saturday, telling me that her sister had been notified on Friday that she was going to have to work Saturday, and except for Friday night, the weekend was off. Perhaps she didn’t have an opportunity to tell me sooner than she did, and/or maybe there was another reason why she did not want to go back to our original plans for Saturday night.

Right now, I’m waiting for tomorrow night. She has promised to let me know then if she will be able to meet me one of my days off (weekdays, of course) this week, or not.

I know that I’m over-analyzing things, but with my history with women in general, and specifically the issues with WTL recently, but this bugs me.

Fast forward to a conversation that I had with Roomie last night before I left for work. We had a couple happy years together. We worked the same schedule, with the same employer, just in different departments. We were always together. We drove to work together. Our breaks and lunches were together. On our days off, we were together pretty much all the time. When she wanted to go shopping, I would take her, and try not to bitch about it too much. Life wasn’t perfect, and there were some what I thought were minor bumps relationship-wise, but for the most part, I thought it was near-perfect. Last night, she was commenting on the shopping and socializing that she now does without me, thanks mostly to her Garmin GPS-inspired confidence. I asked if we were back in time to our happy years, but with the confidence that she now has, what would be different. She told me that she would want a lot more time for herself.

I know I’m jumping around a lot, but I promise to tie it all together in a little bit.

Go back in time to marriage number two. We made it through the first year being stationed on different bases, and only able to see each other on the weekends. After that, our relationship survived her occasional TDYs and my deployment to the desert for Southern Watch. Later, we both transitioned to civilian life, and were getting settled. Life was good. I was absolutely in heaven. We were a happy couple, unlike so many other couples we knew. Or so I thought. Then I came home one day, and was told that it was over.

Every relationship is different. There is no real “normal”. As long as it works for both people, the details are pretty much irrelevant. However, I don’t think I’ve ever been in anything remotely resembling a normal relationship. If I’m happy, I seem to be oblivious to whether or not she’s happy. I can’t read it on her face, or in her actions. If she tells me something, I guess don’t understand the seriousness or severity of whatever it is enough for it to register. Or, maybe communication has just sucked in previous relationships. I don’t know.

Hell, this isn’t just in romantic relationships. I’ve always thought that my niece and I had a close, special relationship. I guess I’m the only one who felt that way. She obviously didn’t. And I had no clue.

I am indeed clueless. Now that I am trying to analyze this, and improve myself, I’m lost. I guess I need to be with someone who is willing to hit me over the head with a hammer to get my attention before telling me something is wrong.

Not only that, but I’m not even sure what to expect from a relationship. Obviously, what I want and think is reasonable, isn’t. I don’t expect every second of my mate’s free time and attention. I would, however, like to be important enough to rate a majority of it. Life comes with many responsibilities. After they are met, I’d like to spend most of the little remaining time that is left over with the one that I love.

Occasionally, I might want a little “me” time, especially if she doesn’t share some of my passions, like shooting. I would hope that these times would be very rare. I don’t know how that fits into the real world, or how far it is from the desires and expectations of the average female. Probably about the same place as daily or near-daily sex. Which got me labeled a sex-aholic and recommended for counseling by ex#2 on her way out the door. Even though she obliged and participated without complaint, and even seemed to enjoy – at least to my oblivious mind.

For most of us, a vast majority of our time these days is spent sleeping and earning money. If you don’t want to spend most of the precious little time that remains with the one you love, then what’s the point of a relationship in the first place?

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2 Responses to On Relationships

  1. Jin Chiang says:

    My lady friend astutely pointed out your “filter” *is* functioning. Your subconscious warned you about both dates though your bad mood. And you fix it by heeding the call of intuition.

    Here’s an example. I got a strong sensation that a van would turn right during a nocturnal stroll. I actually scoffed because there was no perceivable increase in ambient light or noise. A few seconds later, a van comes into view and does just that from about a quarter of a block away. Notice how the initial impression is right and any subsequent analysis degrades accuracy?

    Go read your “News … Sort Of” post from Tuesday, April 24, 2012 again with this perspective in mind. Your *gut feeling* is not to get involved with white trash lady. Now do you understand when I said you have everything you need within yourself?

    • alaskan454 says:

      I must admit, I see your point. I’m still having trouble reconciling that with what I /want/ though. That’s a different problem, though.

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