On Saturday, I got a letter from the HOA Cunt™. When I saw the envelope and recognized the return address, I immediately tasted bile.
What the fuck did I do this time?!? Thanks to some recent warm weather, I have a row of weeds near the house that are probably near the maximum permissible height for grass. But the rest of the yard is still brown. It’s February, for Pete’s sake! (Who the hell is Pete, anyway?) Is she really that intent on experiencing my wrath? Must I visit this bitch in person to introduce myself and politely but firmly explain to her that she does not want to start a war with me?
I opened the envelope and skimmed down to the “Violation” line.
Animal Nuisance – Livestock.
Bitch, I swear to $DEITY, I’m going to fucking —
Wait, what does the next line say?
This issue has been dismissed. Thank you for your cooperation.
I know she never visited to follow up. At least, if she did, she never made it to my back yard. The camera has been operational since the day after I got the first violation letter. It has caught my every care-taking activity. No way in hell it missed her.
The letter is dated for 01 February – the day after I butchered all the young rabbits. I think that this is one of those rare, true coincidences. Normally takes her about two weeks after a “site visit” to send out the violation letters. There is no way she came out, observed that I only have two rabbits at the moment, deemed that sufficient to dismiss the violation, and managed to write and mail a letter, all in the space of twenty-four hours. She’s simply not that talented.
I’ve sent her letters before, telling her to fuck off regarding alleged grass height violations, but she always ignored them. For the first time ever, she sent out a letter to update the status of a violation.
Perhaps she realized the error of her ways.
Perhaps she consulted with her legal representative and learned that domestic rabbits indeed cannot be classed as livestock, and legal action against me would be pointless.
Or perhaps she simply understood that I meant it when I told her that I would forcibly remove her trespassing ass if she ever stepped foot on my property again, and would be within my legal right to do so.
Maybe she even found this blog, on which I openly posted how much I was looking forward to hosing her down with pepper spray.
Regardless of why, the matter is closed. And for her sake, it damn well better stay that way.
One thing particularly annoys me. I know it’s just part of the form letter that she is too fucking stupid to edit, but “Thank you for your cooperation.” ?
Bitch, I did NOT cooperate. I did not bow and scrape before your obvious awesomeness and superiority. I did not cower and submit to your might and authority. I told you to go fuck yourself. I explained that your “violation” accusation was bullshit. I threatened to physically remove you from my property in the event that you are ever foolish enough to give me the opportunity. And you want to thank me for my cooperation? I am truly shocked that you have enough brain activity to respire.