I Am A Fucking Genius

I just made the most awesome dish, EVER.  OK, perhaps not ever, but it is one of the best that I’ve ever created.  It’s too damn bad that I don’t measure spices when I cook, because I’ll never be able to recreate it.  I’ll get it close, but never exact.

I don’t measure anything, except for stuff that incorporates science, like making bread.  For that, fuck measuring.  I weigh that stuff down to the gram.  Under normal circumstances, measuring spices when cooking for myself is simply unnecessary.  I like food, and have a wide tolerance for seasoning.

I have to really, really fuck up to push something outside of my “palatable” range when it comes to spices.  I love salt, and I love heat.  It is possible to add too much salt.  Too much heat, however, is difficult to do.  I’m talking about pepper-based heat.  In my opinion, mustard-based heat (or whatever the hell the Chinese use) is nasty and simply unpleasant to eat.  But not hot.

Anyway, back to what I made.  It is an old standby that I have modified over the years.  Feel free to try it out.  Cook three cups (dry measure) of brown rice in your Oyama stainless steel rice cooker.  (Ignore the ignorant fuck who wrote the review in that link.  The machine is awesome.  And that comes from a crotchety old bastard who is nearly impossible to please, much less impress.)

What the fuck do you mean, “I don’t have one.“?!?  I know that cooking rice is nothing more than boiling water for the correct amount of time.  The Oyama does it perfectly.  Every time.  Any kind of rice.  Without the operator having to do a damn thing but measure the rice, wash it, add the appropriate amount of water, and push a fucking button.  Hell, the damn machine will even keep it warm for a whole fucking day after it’s done cooking, and it will still be absolutely perfect.  Unlike the shitty, so-called rice cookers that other companies try to sell the unsuspecting public.

Yes, it has to be brown rice.  It tastes better than that white shit they call rice, it is better for you in general, and as an old man, I need the extra fiber.  Fuck you.

Anyway, cook the damn rice.  I started mine last night before work, and completed the dish this morning after I got home.

Get a big pan.  I used an eight quart saucepan.  brown two pounds of your favorite meat.  Ground meat or pre-cut “stew meat” of either the pork of beef variety are optimal if you are in a hurry.  But you can use anything you want.

This morning, I used a pound of 73/27 ground beef and a pound of ground pork.  Both purchased for $2.02 each (a 40% price reduction) on the day that they were going out of date.  Which is the only time/way I ever buy meat.  When reduced, yard bird, even boneless breast, can be had for under two FRNs per pound.  Pig runs just over two a pound, and the fattier cow options are between two and three per pound.

But you can chop up filet mignon if you really want to.  I don’t give a fuck.  For this dish, meat is meat.  By the time I get done with it, it’s little more than texture and protein.

Brown the meat in the pan.  Add a small handful of garlic salt.  Add several large pinches each of crushed or ground red pepper, chili powder, and cumin.  The cumin is essential.  Maybe use a little more cumin than the other two spices.

Add a quart of pureed tomatoes.  Not just any tomatoes, though.  Last summer/autumn, I canned from the bounty of my garden (thank You again, Lord) a base for this very dish.  I took cored tomatoes, chopped them up, and filled my saucepan three-quarters full.  Next, I filled the saucepan the remainder of the way to the top with sliced jalapeño peppers, and cooked it until everything it got all soft and manageable.  I then ladled it into the Mason jars, and processed it.

When I make my dish, I feed this base to my Magic Bullet before adding it to the browned, spiced meat.  Yes, I know that the MB is a piece of shit.  However, if you understand its weaknesses, and use it in a manner that does not overly exploit said weaknesses, it is a wonderful machine and will live a reasonably long life.

Today, I added a secret ingredient to the base before pureeing it.  Two average sized habanero peppers.  You see, my habanero peppers were slow to get going last year, so the tomatoes were pretty much done for the year before the habaneros started producing any significant volume. This prevented me from including habaneros in the base initially.

So, you don’t have any of my pre-made base, and you don’t feel like making any.  No problem.  Buy two cans of DelMonte “Zesty Jalapeño” flavored diced tomatoes.  Understand, though, DelMonte lied worse on the label for that particular product, than most politicians do when their lips are moving.  They might have five percent jalapeños in there, instead of my recommended minimum of twenty-five percent.   No way in hell that qualifies as warm, much lest “zesty”.  Zesty?  Really, DelMonte?

Anyway, if you are reduced to using their crap, you’ll need to add a couple handfuls of jalapeños from another source to get the heat back in the neighborhood of where it should be.  Generic pickled jalapeños are acceptable, just don’t pick any that call themselves “tamed”.  That would be defeating the purpose.  Drain all the vinegar off before using them, of course.  Failure to do so will negatively impact the flavor.

Then add the habaneros and puree the mixture.  What, your grocery store doesn’t carry habaneros?  Sorry to hear about your stinking luck.  Mine didn’t either, which is why I decided to plant them.  In that case, you’re stuck with the standard version of my dish, which is pretty damn good, until you can source some habaneros.

Let me talk about habaneros for a minute.  They have a sweet-ish sorta flowery base flavor to go with the heat.  The first time I tried one, I chopped it up in my tuna salad sandwich in place of my normal jalapeños.   The jalapeño base flavor is more similar to a green bell pepper, which I don’t particularly like.  However, being the only hot pepper that I can consistently find available commercially, I had little choice.  I eventually grew accustomed to it, and the habanero flavor was not quite “right”.  The heat was spot on, but I still stick with jalapeños for my tuna sandwiches.

I froze all my habaneros at the end of the growing season last year, and today was the first time I cooked with them.  I am an idiot for waiting so long.  The habaneros add a delicious amount of additional heat, which is always welcome, and the base flavor adds something really special to this dish.

Back to the recipe.  Add the tomato/jalapeño/habanero puree to the browned meat and spices.  Stir it enough to mix pretty good, and then dump the rice in.  Stir well, remove from the stove, and enjoy.  Have plenty of water nearby if you’re a wimp.

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13 Responses to I Am A Fucking Genius

    • alaskan454 says:

      It is, and it is amazingly simple to make. Nine ingredients, four of which are spices. Less than 30 minutes to prep and cook, assuming that the rice is already done.

  1. Craig says:

    You say “fuck” a lot.

  2. Critter says:

    i had to grow my own peri peri peppers last year for much the same reason. i will have to try this dish.

    • alaskan454 says:

      I enjoy it, but I am far from being a “food snob”. I’m just a fat old man who likes to eat, and likes to cook a few simple dishes. If you do try it, please let me know what you think.

  3. agirlandhergun says:

    Sounds divine! I do have a rice cooker by the way, but not that brand. Anyway, I gave you an award on my blog. You can head over if you want to claim it.

    • alaskan454 says:

      I like it. I do recommend that, if you use stew meat instead of ground, let it cook in its own juices for a little while instead of adding the puree and rice as soon as it is brown. Otherwise, the meat may be a bit tough. (I made a new batch tonight, and, well…)

      Thank you for the award. Never got one before, so it may take me a while to figure it out/claim it.

      As for your rice cooker, as long as it works, I won’t knock it. However, if you find yourself in the market for one in the future, I highly recommend the Oyama. FWIW

  4. Craig says:

    Well fuckity, fuckity fuck, fuck fuck… then. Don’t need a disclaimer for that! Fuck!

  5. Akgrrrl says:

    Lol this post and the comments made me laugh… The dish sounds super yummy but I’d have to make it less spicy or I’d be the only one eating it:)

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